I started writing this back in May, I’m just finishing it now.
It’s hard to believe….. REALLY hard to believe that one year ago today… May 18, 2015 at 4:30pm my Mom died. A LOT has changed in the past year. (Obviously right)? Thinking back on the last 10 years of my Mom’s life…. I’m left wondering WHERE did it all go downhill for her? My Mom was always invincible, or at least I thought she was. Isn’t that how we think of our parents all the time as kids, and even as adults???
In May of 2006… at least I think it was May, I can’t quite remember. I brought her down here to Kentucky to live, work, and have a whole new life. At the time her boyfriend of numberous years had been a “functioning alcoholic”, and while I do not think he ever hit her, I do know he was always verbally abusive. I dunno where my knight in shining armor complex came from, but I’ve always felt the need to do whatever I can in any way that I can for my friends, family, and people I love. So I flew to Massachusetts to “save” my Mom. At the time I was working for Father Maloney’s Boys’ and Girls’ Haven (back then it was just Father Maloney’s Boys’ Haven). My job was as a live in resident, think of an on site apartment manager. Back then BH had several scattered site apartment complexes and there they needed a manager at each one. So I was at one complex, and I got m Mom a job at one of the other complexes. I held that job from 2005-2010, Mom held the job for one year less than me. After she was no longer working for BH, instead of trying to find another job here, and an apartment…. She decided to head back north to Massachusetts.
I don’t mean to speak ill of my mom, who is now up in Heaven, but the fact remains that as long as I knew her after my 13th birthday in 1993… She would always run from her problems. When my Dad came to get me, because my Mom had a nervous breakdown on New Year’s 1993 (another long story for another time)… My whole life would change after that. I’d be living in Kentucky with my Dad and now ex-stepmother, and I thought my Mom would be in Massachusetts. I mean we lived there my whole life, but the crazy thing was my Mom moved to Florida in late 1993 early 1994. She lived there til 1997 or 1998 I can’t quite recall that, but by 2001 when I moved from Mississippi to Massachusetts, I know my Mom was living there.
So how did I get from Massachusetts to Kentucky in 1993, then from Kentucky to Mississippi in 2000 to 2001, and back to Mass? Well that’s another long story for another time. The point is as my Mom got older she never really settled down in one place. Hell after her death I learned that she was married to someone else before my Dad….. and was living in Iceland! So it’s been a year since my Mom died, and the way she died wasn’t very pretty (medically speaking). On the day of her death I spent 6 hours by her side talking to her hoping she’d wake up for one last final moment, but that never happened. I would have stayed til she passed, but I had to get home to feed, walk, and take care of our dog Snowwhite. When I got home at 5pm that day, there was a message on my phone, that at 4:30pm May 18, 2015 they took her off life support (per her wishes) and she slowly went to Heaven.
Since the age of thirteen I have been used to not having my Mom in my life directly, but she was always there to call or write a letter to, or shoot an email… whatever. There was a time between October and December 1996 where I got to live with my Mom in Florida. However I’ve just been used to living alone most of my teenage and adult life. So Mom lived here in KY from 2006 to 2010, she then went back to Massachusetts from 2010 to 2012. For those 6 years from 2006-2012 I was used to and enjoyed living alone. The job I had needed me there at night, and during that time I was able to start podcasting, because I had days free. In December of 2012 my Mom’s health was slowly declining, and where she was living in Hull, MA… wasn’t exacty good for her. By this I mean the actual house she was living in, with her friend. My mom had the entire second floor of this cape cod style home, but with homes in Massachusetts….. especially the older ones… they came with VERY steep stairs. My Mom would tell me every now and then about her falling down these stairs. By December of 2012 I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went back to Mass to bring her back here to KY again.
From December 2012 to her death last year… she gave living here a good try. Because her health was slowly declining… her mental capacity kinda went out the window. She had all her marbles, but she just stopped caring about living. This really got bad mid 2014 to early 2015. She was constantly saying that she wished she was dead, and she just gave up on trying to help herself with anything. I’ll never stop loving my Mom, but I’ll always hate how she just gave up. She was only 60 years old when she died, if she had kept fighting and trying to LIVE her life, I’m sure she would have lived another ten years. She would have seen how Jennifer and I became friends, and started dating, she would have seen me happy…. There was just so much more for my Mom to witness. I know she is up in Heaven looking down on me and smiling, but damn I wish she was still here.
I feel like something inside me has changed, since losing my Mom. I’ve always thought of myself as an overly positive person… sure I have negative opinions on items in th media, like fem-busters, and remakes for the sake of remakes, or hey guess what… we are making a sequel to a 20-year-old film, that doesn’t need to be made. BUT in general I try my damnedest to exert a positive attitude and outlook on life. As someone who attempted suicide when I was 14…. I know that is never the answer. So talking about death, and dying just stresses me out so much, it gives me sch tension headaches. So with my mom’s negativity towards life there at the end…. I was just stressing out so much. As I’ve said before. My mom is at peace now, and she can finally get the rest she deserves with no more pain. It’s really hard for me to come to terms with how my mother’s life ended up. She used to be this very vibrant opinionated person, on all manner of topics, but as her health declined so did her outlook on life. With my outlook on life, I’d like to think I’m still that positive guy, but my depression has gotten a bit out of control, even with the meds I’ve been taking for a year now. Some days I just don’t feel like doing anything, yet I have so much to do since I produce a metric crap ton of content for The GCRN. Obviously with my Mom not being here anymore, that was a big part of my life taking care of her.
So what has changed in a year….? I had to move AGAIN, obviously…. I wanna thank Veronica, Damien, and Bill for becoming my roommates in June of last year, it helped me find my own place, and save a bit of money. I wanna thank my Uncle Richard and Aunt Cheryl for sending me the money to get the apartment I currently live in now. For nearly a year Jen and I have been dating online, and I have plans to head out to California so we can spend time together in person. Before we started chatting, and becoming friends there really was no interest for me to “date” anyone. Plus I had no time, while still caring for my mom when she was sick. Before June 27, 2015…. it’s had been 11 or 12 years since I had even been on the dating scene. So that was 2003 or 2004…. Damn things sure have changed since then, hell they’ve changed so much since 1998-2000, when I first found online dating. Now though I truly believe I found my soul mate in Jennifer. We laugh, tell stories of our lives, talk about anything and everything. I’m so excited to take the trip out to California in a few months. There’s so much for us to explore together, and our lives are just starting now.
I know my mom would have loved Jen, and I know she is smiling down at both of us. As far as the podcasting for The GCRN… While I was taking care of my Mom, the podcasting was still going on, but on a limited basis, but now I have been diving back in full force. Between June of 2015 and now, I’ve pumped out more ideas, and content for GCRN… than I have in our 7 year history. One year later, after mom’s death….. I’m doing okay. I reconnected with my Dad, and that is still needing work, but hey that’s okay. I have a girl whom I love very much, and friends that are just the BEST in the world. I swear I was lost when my mom died, as that was to be expected, but the support from friends, and fans, plus Jen’s constant awesomeness I find myself noting being lost, and heading down a dark path anymore.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE IN MY LIFE, WHETHER YOU ARE A FRIEND…. A LISTENER-FAN OF THE GCRN, A FAMILY MEMBER….MY GIRLFRIEND, OR ALL YOU OTHER PEOPLE!
To quote the David Cook song, “Time of My Life” ….
” And I’m out on the edge of forever Ready to run I’m keeping my feet on the ground My arms open wide My face to the sun”